Then I was feeling motivated and wrote another piece but it's a little more personal.
Why I am no longer the person I used to be...
It's been just over three months since both of my sweet baby girl twins were diagnosed with type one SMA and I've quickly come to the realization that I am a completely different person than I was before. I've found strengths within myself that I didn't know existed but lost a piece of the person that other people enjoy.
I've always been a very positive, upbeat, and optimistic person. The type of person who never had any problems making friends, enjoyed getting to know people, and just loved being social. When we first got the news, I wanted to completely shut myself off from the world. But I slowly let just my close friends and family back in. Many people tried reaching out and helping but I didn't respond. I figured, "They didn't have the cure, so how can they help?" It was easier for me. The less people I had to face, the better. It's hard to always put on a happy face when that couldn't be further from the truth. It's hard to be around people who don't have the slightest idea of what you're going through. Not that I'd wish it upon anyone, but there is huge comfort in surrounding oneself with people who are going through or have gone through similar journeys.
And babies. I have always loved babies, always wanted to be a mom. It's why I chose obstetrics as my area of specialty in nursing. Now I find it extremely difficult being around babies. To the point that it gives me anxiety. Seeing other babies strength next to our girls is heartwrenching (I once cried for hours when a month-old baby was placed next to them). I feel foolish for not spotting the signs earlier. I feel sad that the girls can't do what their peers can. But most of all, I feel ripped off that our poor girls have this horrific disease to which there is currently no cure. Even pregnancy announcements and pictures are hard on me. Not because I want another baby right now, but because it brings me back to a time where I felt sheer joy and excitement (like the moms to be are feeling). They deserve those feelings, don't get me wrong. I got to experience that once upon a time. So I plaster on a fake smile and a "congratulations" and erase the whole thing from my mind. I hate being "this person" but this hard life has made me this way.
I'm a skeptic now. I used to be that person who believed that everything would work out. That the single friend would find true love. The infertile friend would get to be a mother one day. That good things happen to good people. I don't feel that way anymore. Bad things happen to good people ALL the time. Some people will never find "the one" and many women will never conceive for what ever reason. Life is just unfair.
One reading this article might find it negative or anger-fueled. That is not my intention at all. I truly DO feel happy a lot of the time but it's so much different than it used to be. I used to be naive and trusting of the world in general. That the universe had this big plan for me. I don't feel that way anymore. I feel that unfortunate things happen and we must navigate through them in the best way we know possible. I am not and will never be the "old Melissa".
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